Kofi Annan's Farewell Speech

(Please put on your headphones if you wish to hear this speech translated from the original Bullshit)

In Missouri today, departing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan delivered these thoughtful reflections on 10 years of learning:

In one of the backwater Jesusland flyover states yesterday, departing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan rudely lectured one of the few nations that actually tries to accomplish anything useful, from which he has been sponging for the last 10 years:

"Nearly 50 years ago, when I arrived in Minnesota as a student fresh from Africa, I had much to learn -- starting with the fact that there is nothing wimpish about wearing earmuffs when it is 15 degrees below zero. All my life since has been a learning experience."

My first acquisition was a set of earmuffs. It's all been an upward spiral since then. Do you like this suit?

"Now I want to pass on five lessons I have learned during 10 years as secretary general of the United Nations that I believe the community of nations needs to learn as it confronts the challenges of the 21st century. First, in today's world we are all responsible for each other's security."

You, in particular, are responsible for mine.

"Against such threats as nuclear proliferation, climate change, global pandemics or terrorists operating from safe havens in failed states, no nation can make itself secure by seeking supremacy over all others."

You must allow us, the United Nations, to be supreme. Did you not see Godzilla vs King Kong? I ask you, what was the supreme human organization in this film, as respected even as a giant mutant lizard and a big gorilla?

"Only by working to make each other secure can we hope to achieve lasting security for ourselves. This responsibility includes our shared responsibility to protect people from genocide, war crimes, ethnic cleansing and crimes against humanity."

You might say my record is spotty on this score. But I'm the one speaking, so please be quiet.

"But when we look at the murder, rape and starvation still being inflicted on the people of Darfur, we realize that such doctrines remain pure rhetoric unless those with the power to intervene effectively -- by exerting political, economic or, in the last resort, military muscle -- are prepared to take the lead."

You fix it! When we tell you to. Just don't do anything, because action generally is wrong. Especially when you take it! Whether we tell you to or not.

"It also includes a responsibility to future generations to preserve resources that belong to them as well as to us. Every day that we do nothing, or too little, to prevent climate change imposes higher costs on our children."

My son Kojo has preserved many resources.

"Second, we are also responsible for each other's welfare."

You, in particular, are responsible for mine. I cannot stress this enough. Check, please.

"It is not realistic to think that some people can go on deriving great benefits from globalization while billions of others are left in, or thrown into, abject poverty. We have to give all our fellow human beings at least a chance to share in our prosperity."

Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Sometimes I just like talking. It sounds good, don't you agree? Here's a sack of flour, dirty tragic dying person. Someone will be around to study your plight shortly.

"Third, both security and prosperity depend on respect for human rights and the rule of law. Throughout history human life has been enriched by diversity, and different communities have learned from each other."

Sit a while. I will explain why we hate you.

"But if our communities are to live in peace we must stress also what unites us: our common humanity and the need for our human dignity and rights to be protected by law."

I cannot believe, when that food for oil program was going so well, the United States would use that trumped-up series of Security Council resolutions to remove the human-dignity-obsessed law & order freak Saddam Hussein. You see, this is what I am talking about.

"That is vital for development, too. Both foreigners and a country's own citizens are more likely to invest when their basic rights are protected and they know they will be fairly treated under the law. Policies that genuinely favor development are more likely to be adopted if the people most in need of development can make their voice heard. States need to play by the rules toward each other, as well. No community suffers from too much rule of law; many suffer from too little -- and the international community is among them."

Development is good. Lots of baksheesh.

"My fourth lesson, therefore, is that governments must be accountable for their actions, in the international as well as the domestic arena. Every state owes some account to other states on which its actions have a decisive impact. As things stand, poor and weak states are easily held to account, because they need foreign aid. But large and powerful states, whose actions have the greatest impact on others, can be constrained only by their own people."

I'm not talking about backward crazy scary nations like Iran, where they electrocute people's testicles. Eeeew! I am talking about the civilized ones I can score great points smacking around, while chiseling, in perfect comfort. Nations like yours!

"That gives the people and institutions of powerful states a special responsibility to take account of global views and interests. And today they need to take into account also what we call "non-state actors." States can no longer -- if they ever could -- confront global challenges alone. Increasingly, they need help from the myriad types of association in which people come together voluntarily, to profit or to think about, and change, the world."

By this I mean what Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has referred to as "Multilateralism of the Lowest Common Denominator." Directed by us.

"How can states hold each other to account? Only through multilateral institutions. So my final lesson is that those institutions must be organized in a fair and democratic way, giving the poor and the weak some influence over the actions of the rich and the strong."

This Security Council veto thing is passe ... and I'm not talking about France and China.

"Developing countries should have a stronger voice in international financial institutions, whose decisions can mean life or death for their people. New permanent or long-term members should be added to the U.N. Security Council, whose current membership reflects the reality of 1945, not of today."

America, Shmerica. Who died and made them the boss?

"No less important, all the Security Council's members must accept the responsibility that comes with their privilege. The council is not a stage for acting out national interests. It is the management committee of our fledgling global security system."

Of which I am supposed to be CEO, thank you very much.

"More than ever, Americans, like the rest of humanity, need a functioning global system. Experience has shown, time and again, that the system works poorly when the United States remains aloof but it functions much better when there is farsighted U.S. leadership."

Jimmy Carter, now there was a farsighted leader.

"That gives American leaders of today and tomorrow a great responsibility. The American people must see that they live up to it."

Thank you, Minnesota, for the education and the earmuffs! Thank you, America, for all the cash. Up yours!



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Links:

AP's version.

Little Green Footballs says "Good Riddance. This disgraceful man should be in prison..."

Gateway Pundit remembers someone else who made a big swansong speech in Missouri and says Kofi's no Churchill.

Iowahawk goes dumpster diving.